id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
