what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
