checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
