Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have surprise drugs for everyone
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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