I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
