hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
