hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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