we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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