why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
