how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
