I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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