She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
