I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
