She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
