Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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