p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
