homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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