We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
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mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
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We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.