I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
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Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped