I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
