Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
