well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
