She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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