im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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