i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
