i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
