I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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