I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
