I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
