Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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