she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
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Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
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I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
how does that bad decision feel?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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