My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
last night I used snow as a chaser
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