chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
