apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
