Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
