Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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