I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
