we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Come on in and take your pants off
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