dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
