dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
