last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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