Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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