Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
