If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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