I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
