I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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