Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He has the fingertips of a God
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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