Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
