Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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