I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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