dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
