I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
