is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
