It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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