I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
