So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
