I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
